It is your birthday, and I find no other occasion more suitable to tell you what I had always wanted to tell you. It is not about how much I LOVE YOU or what you mean to me but it is somewhat about what I am or will be, without you! You have known me since 22 years and I discovered you following my high school. Because until then you were just another father out there who was trying his best to tell his incorrigible daughter that he is the father and that’s why he cares! But you failed. I failed you. Because I too was just another daughter digging her ways through the mysterious tunnels of teen ache with that “Miss know it all” attitude of hers, singing the universal rallying cry “No one understands me”. Well off course no one except the “ever not minding her own business” Dolly aunty next door, who often complemented me for my breakthrough in fashion while you said that I looked like a flamingo coming straight out from a paint ball, and when I take a fleeting look at those photographs now, I know I really did look like one.
No one except my thick “friends”, who wouldn’t even in their most conscious memories bother to learn whether I exist or not, leave alone remembering me. Not to mention they would become “super thick” again the day they would spot me on facebook. And again no one except the love of my life, whom I look back to and think” I really got saved… big time”!!! So how many saves, I can’t even imagine. The countless fights , the midnight arguments, the months long cold war and the futile “ I am moving out card”, when we both knew very well where I was moving out to, to my bedroom off course from the drawing room!! I remember being so angry at you, but then I also remember getting a better report card, a better college, a better job and a better life after all that anger. So ya now I know the secret, I had always been anger driven!!!! Well I still am, what you think made me start this blog, ya the fight we had day before yesterday.
There was a time when I by no means wanted anyone even close as you in my life and now I wish for someone as close as your shadow to spend the rest of my life with! It took me long to understand the veiled “you can do it” hymn behind all that verbal thrashing, which came down every time I was being a coached potato. Remember when you told me love is universal and I ended up asking you “Does it mean that you love dolly aunty the same way you love mummy”. I know, it was a pretty much worthy question to get your internet rights revoked. But now I know, what you meant by universal love. Well the love massacres happening all around us vividly explains your point about universal love facing extinction. I guess I missed the unconditional and the bestowing part of it. So don’t worry, know I know. I know what it takes to love and moreover what is love. I am not going to fall for a guy, whose definition of universal love is hitting on every single human female specimen on the face of this planet. Point taken! Also now I am aware why you threw me out of the nest, so that I can dare to open my wings and fly .
So that I know if I won’t I will fall. When a fawn is born, the mother deer is so vigorous and intense in cleaning it, causing it to fall again and again. Anybody who witnesses this sight gets an impression of a heartless mother deer. But who knew, had it not been done, the fawn would not live. Now I know the pain the mother deer must have gone through, so that the fawn lives. You played the mother deer in my life. For all that pain I felt then is the reason I see myself all kicking and alive today. So now when I sit back and think how will I ever lead my life without you? How on earth am I going to live without you? It hits me. It hits me like a person who resurfaces from sea gasping for breath..Mystified…Praying…Thanking…Crying…Gratified that he survived. He survives and lives. So papa now I know what you have been trying to teach me. You taught me how to survive, to survive without you! So on your birthday I want you to know that I can and I will. I won’t get ruined. I won’t get wasted. I will live fearless. I will live with hope, love, courage and pass on the courage you gave me. I will be fine….just fine. Your mission has been accomplished!
Happy birthday papa… I love you very much. You will always be my superhero. Even with that bald patch and that beer belly of yours, you do just fine…. Though I would never want you to wear that underwear out costume!!!!!
Your incorrigible daughter